Even when I am happy I am scared I am becoming ill

The largest book measures 5 m x 8.06 m (16.40 ft x 26.44 ft), weighs approximately 1500 kg (3,306 lb) and consists of 429 pages. The book was unveiled by Mshahed International Group, in Dubai, UAE, on 27 February 2012.

Why am I starting with this random fact? Because so far, most of my blogs have rivalled it. This one I will actually keep fairly short, because the fact that I tend to approach them like a PHD thesis probably stops me from writing more. And I actually find writing quite therapeutic.

My blogs, much like my twitter, are written mainly for me, they allow me to get my thoughts out. They also satisfy my need for external validation. Like my new venture into #kindnessToStrangers #kindnessmatters; it is not 'publicising' the acts for others that motivates me, I do them anyway, they are rewarding in themselves, but documenting the things that I am doing for myself. Whether it be a new bubble bath that costs £3 rather than spending a £1, a ticket for me and my nephew to the circus, or my more 'brave' recent purchases, tickets for 1 to the opera, and staying overnight at my next ISVA training rather than travelling to Rugby and back twice in two days. These acts of 'self care' I still need someone else to see, to know about, or before long I won't do them. 

I actually spent a large part of my last therapy session discussing this, and we both agreed that it is okay to 'fake it till I make it' and one day these small things for me by me will become the norm. (One of the good things about having to pay for therapy, and it being 'person centred' is she largely agrees with what I say.)

Anyway, I have detracted from the purpose, which is probably why all my blogs are so long!

I will be coming back to this topic again: diagnosis.

I was originally diagnosed with EDNOS, eating disorder not otherwise specified. Then depression. Then cyclothymia, then cyclothymia and EUPD, then just EUPD - in October, then historical EUPD in December - yep just two months later. (It is only now I wonder if that was actually some kind of conspiracy to justify the fact that I have never once been offered an assessment, an appointment, or ANY kind of therapy or treatment specifically targeted at personality disorder... hmm... maybe.)

Anyway, just when I was coming to terms with the EUPD diagnosis, it became historical. Although two things changed between October and December (it was the same psychiatrist by the way). 1) my lamotrogine was increased. 2) my sertraline was increased.

Since then my mood has continued to improve. Sure I still have bad days, suicidal days, but on the whole I would say most days I am actually at a 7/10. Which is weird in itself to type. The last time I felt like this was in the weeks after the RCNi awards win, but that was pretty obvious, and I naively thought it would last forever. Until the crash.

Feeling like this is just a little bit scary. Because I haven't been a 7 for many years. And it feels so abnormal, there's that small part of me that is starting to worry. What if it is not the lifestyle changes, the practising of self care, the success in my career, the therapy that have got me to a 7. What if the fact I have only had 3 hours sleep is not because my body simply refuses to adjust back from nights. What if the fact that I am enjoying reading, writing, designing, making again, is not just because I am.

What if I have cyclothymia after all. Or bipolar type ll. Or bipolar. What if this is mania? 

After years of not practising self and a childhood where a trip to Southend was a luxury, meals were from the reduced aisle at the supermarket, clothes hand me downs and heating turned on only when it snowed, (I am not looking for sympathy here, my childhood wasn't an unhappy one) to spend money on myself, buy nice things for myself, do nice things for myself, feels so alien, so selfish, so self centred, so unnatural that I am scared it's a symptom of illness. That the increase in medication hasn't lifted me from the darkness but too far into the light. (And medication that isn't even indicated, or meant to work for EUPD). Even the fact that I have written this blog in 10 minutes and haven't over analysed every word concerns me...

Because even when I am happy. I am scared I am becoming ill.